I made the hour and a half drive alone, because it began on Friday, and Elizabeth had to work Friday. We found a friend who was going down Saturday, so E would get a ride down then, and stay the rest of the con.
I get tense and usually irritable driving in the city. I have a bad sense of direction as it is, and I don’t pay very good attention and constantly miss turns and exits. I accidentally drove through the Fast-track (We’ll see how much I get fined for that), then got lost coming into the city, because there was roadwork and strange bright barriers and signs everywhere that distracted me. Once I knew I had passed my exit, I managed to get going back the opposite direction, but of course the exits had different names from this way. I called my sister, a San Francisco native. She stayed on the phone with me, guided me, and got me into the vicinity. I hung up, looped around, four right turns in a row, and realized I was still in the wrong place. I shouted for directions out my window, went a little farther and looped around another four right turns. Meanwhile, I really had to go to the bathroom, because I drank way too much water before I left home (I wanted to be sure I was nice and hydrated for a long convention day). I finally found the convention, looped around another four right turns to try and get to a parking garage, pulled in, and realized the garage closed at five. Since the con goes ‘til seven, it was a no go, so round and round I went again, getting antsier and squirmier in my seat as my need to go to the bathroom grew more and more unbearable. Each time I had to loop around the block like this, it would take four or five minutes, because I’d invariably have to wait at a light a two, for a minute or two each.
I followed another set of parking garage signs for three left turns, and somehow never saw the garage. Now I’m fidgeting and squeezing my crotch because I’ve got to go so badly. Finally I just pulled into the first garage I found, and damned its distance to the convention. I opened my trunk and quickly pulled out my dolly and a few boxes, to wheel to the con. Suddenly seized by a terrible desperation to pee, I scrambled through my car, looking for a bottle or can or…ANYTHING!
I found a plastic bag in my trunk, snatched it up, crouched behind my car, and got my pants belt and pants undone. Just then a car pulled up, and I realized how conspicuous I looked, if not downright arrestably lewd. I tried to look natural and get zipped up and get my belt back on. I had to go so badly, I was in agony. I threw the boxes back in the trunk, grabbed my backpack and began hiking in the direction of the convention. I left everything because I had to go so bad, I was afraid lugging everything would slow me down and pressure my delicate muscle control. I would have to come back for everything later. One step at a time. Breathe, breathe…Oh God…breathe…
After a full block I found myself in a dead-end alley, and realized I would have to walk all the way back past to my car to get out of here, so fuck it, I loaded up my dolly and just tried to get to the convention. I’m hunched over from pain. On the walk over, I realized I was so distracted, I actually hadn’t zipped my fly up, after all this time. I tried to be discreet.
I finally got to the convention center, a painful three blocks away. There I was told it’s being held, not where I am, where it was held last year, but at Moscone West, which is two more blocks away. What the hell did I do to deserve this, I scream, wiping tears from my eyes.
At last, I’m there. I walked straight in, straight to the bathroom, and was peeing practical before my pants came off. It was the most relieving and monumental pee I’ve had in at least thirteen years. I watched three people come and go in succession before I finished.
The convention was an hour-twenty minute drive from home, and I had left with an extra forty-five minutes added in, to get settled. In the time I’d gotten lost, found, parked, peed, and set up and settled at my table, I was still about fifteen minutes late.
What a great way to start a con!